My wife and I tried the, uh, what did they call it there, the Congress of the Cow? And oh jeez I must say, we found it to be a true revelation, you bet cha. Old Geraldine she was bending over the one day there, just picking up some dirty socks off the floor yeah? when I remembered seeing the picture there of that geeky-lookin’ guy with the bad haircut standing behind his partner, the one with the flowin’ red hair and the flexibility and all. Yeah. So I says to Geraldine to just hold it there babe and keep supporting herself with her hands yeah? and oh jeez I mounted her from behind just like a bull, you bet cha. See, what Geraldine likes about it is the deep penetration, see? and what I like about it is, oh jeez, it just makes me feel like I’m in total control, yeah, and can just pound away as hard as I want right into G’s buttocks and, you know, hopefully G’s G-Spot, yeah? Right in the middle of it G she turns back and says to go ahead and stroke her clitoris too and that was when both of our minds were just blown right through the roof, oh you bet cha. And oh jeez, I don’t think we’ve ever been happier.
Dale, Fargo, North Dakota
For me, partner, it’s all about the ananga ranga positions. Picked this girl Kelly up the other night at Honky Tonk Central. Couldn’t stop starin’, so finally I just walked right up to her and told her straight off how she reminded me of a young Michelle Pfeiffer, who I’ve always loved since I had that poster of her on my wall when I was a youngin’ of about 13 and must’ve had about a million wet dreams about her. I told Kelly to keep her cute little cowboy boots on and got her right into the Level Feet Posture with her legs around my neck and ohh boy she couldn’t get enough. Her eyes just rolled into the back of her head while I grabbed her there around the rib cage and just tanned that hide. Then I dropped her legs and got her into the Refined Posture and when her eyes rolled back into place I sort of winked at her and she really seemed to like that. It was throwback Thursday at the Honky Tonk so I started hummin’ me some Alan Jackson right before I came and Kelly just about died laughin’. I never knew how much that muddy water meant to me.
Rhett, Nashville, Tennessee
The way it all happened was this. Ron’s wacky aunt Maxine got us a Kama Sutra book as a gag gift two Christmases ago and the thing just sat in the closet all that time until one night we started getting a little tipsy on cheap Tequila and Ron he remembered about the book so we grabbed it out of the closet and started flipping through, like, as a joke, right? And it was Ron who first said we should go ahead and give er a try because why the heck not and I can honestly say if it weren’t for that cheap tequila we probably wouldn’t have had the guts, but — and it’s all a bit blurry mind you — but we soon found ourselves in the midst of a Kama’s Wheel I believe it’s called, with my legs stretched out behind Ron and Ron’s legs stretched out behind me with me sort of sitting in Ron’s lap facing him and he had this big goofy smile on his drunk face and kept grunting and, well, I better not say anymore. Suffice it to say we had a great time. Ron hasn’t stopped smiling for weeks.
Cindy, Topeka, Kansas
Five words: The Tail . . . of the Ostrich. Most fun I’ve had in a long long time. Can’t believe I never knew about it before. What you do is you put your lady friend on her back and sort of kneel up into her with her legs way up on your shoulders and you’re waaay up high just staring down at her, which, I guess, is where they get the name because it does make you feel a bit like an ostrich which is a weird animal if there ever was one. But you also gotta be careful because my lady friend, who I’ll keep unnamed because she has no clue I’m writing this, she had some pretty bad neck pain for about the next week and a half, but other than that it’s a total slam dunk. Five stars. 10 out of 10. A +. Two thumbs way way up.
Chris, Tempe, Arizona
Let me just say, as an attorney of law, this damn book really ought to come with a disclaimer or two. I don’t want to get into the details of it all because it’s just going to get me fuming again, but The Suspended Congress should not be attempted with men who are scrawny and have arms like broom sticks. I had a bad feeling from the start but Jake he just kept insisting he was strong enough to hold me and I’m not missing any meals or anything but I’m no Big Bertha either. I played soccer and ran track. I wasn’t one of those burly softball girls or anything. Jake leaned up against the wall and I wrapped my arms around his neck and he grabbed me under the thighs and lifted me up and we got to going at it a little with my toes on the wall behind him, but then I saw how Jake was starting to struggle so I told him to put me down but he wouldn’t do it; said I’ve got it I’ve got it, but the next thing I know my head’s hitting the floor and my wrist is sprained and Jake’s just standing there looking horrified like he’s about to cry, like I dropped him on his ass. And ugh it’s all so damn frustrating. If I knew who to go after I’d file suit for hospital bills and also pain and emotional suffering because now I’m not sure if I can trust Jake with anything and am sort of thinking about calling it quits with him because I’ve always liked a big strong guy and this event basically just confirmed what I already knew, which is that Jake’s probably not the one for me.
Nicole, West Chester, Pennsylvania
In all my life! If you think for one holy second I’m gonna try any of these ridiculous positions, well then another think is comin’ your way! The Twizzle? The Twizzle?! I am a God fearin’ Christian woman so I won’t use swear words, but The Twizzle is an absolute abomination. Through and through. Only a complete degenerate is tryin’ The Twizzle. I won’t even debase myself to describin’ it because I can tell you right now only some kind of disgusting reprobate would ever be caught in such a position, staring directly into the business end of a man like that. Sexual intercourse is about one thing and one thing only and that’s human re-pro-duction. Do you see anything about The Twizzle in the good book? No you do not. What kind of example are we settin’ for our children if we engage in such detestable behavior? If we were smart we’d burn every Kama Sutra in existence and dance around it like Injuns. I’m so mad I could skin a cat!
Sally, Fort Payne, Alabama
Godwin, Woonsocket, Rhode Island
As a man who appreciates a good chair, the upavishta, or sitting postures, are straight up my alley. I try to do everything I can from a seated position. I work from home; I do all my shopping online; and sex is best done in the Lotus Position, where I can just relax and let my girlfriend Bethany do all the work. I just sit cross-legged while Beth drops into my lap and does her thang. With Beth in my lap I can just nuzzle my beard right into her neck and whisper my favorite eroticisms. Pretty sure that Kallyana Malla was some kind of genius, no?
Hank, Beaverton, Oregon
I hit that booty so hard in The Splitting Position I damn hear split her. I can’t lie, this is the first book I’ve read since maybe the fourth grade. Pretty sure Hatchet is the last book I read. I heard they give out awards for books, the Pewlisser I think it’s called. But if any book deserve a award it’s this Kama Sutra joint. This shit is so damn educationamal. Did you know they call the penis a lingam and the pussy a yoni? Wild, right? And there’s like these categories based on how big you is. I can’t even front, I’m a horse on the real. Need me an elephant or a mare because if I get me a deer I might hurt the bitch. My favorite kind of woman is big . . . and jolly. Love me a woman with a big ass smile and a big ass ass. The Rainbow Arch though? A man hasn’t lived until he arches himself into his woman’s rainbow, real talk. Just get her on her side with one leg up and put your body right on top of her lower leg with your head sort of facing her back. Dawg.
Antoine, Detroit, Michigan
So last month I meet this guy Antoine and he takes me to dinner and a movie and we smoke a little weed and end up back at his place and, oh my mama, he puts me on my side and lifts one of my legs and inserts himself into me and the stupid ass motherfucker damn near brought the whole goddamn house down because I haven’t walked straight for weeks and my pee is comin’ out sideways.
Claudia, Detroit, Michigan
All I know is what my friend be tellin’ me. I ain’t never had mind to look in no book for no sex advice, you feel me? I know what I’m about though. And I know I can satisfy my mans without havin’ to go to no library first, you heard? But Claudia, she swear by it doe, said it’s a rap after this rando gave her the pop of a lifetime. Did it all in these little weird ass acrobatic positions like he supposed to be some kinda yoga master er some shit. Dead ass, like he a damn gymnast. Only that is cuh-learly not true, tellin’ by all them little neck tattoos he be havin’. But home girl had to wear a damn back brace for about a whole month because she was all misaligned and shit. Oh I am sneak-dissin’ out here. And yet she still gave this man a second date. And a third and a fourth like she cuffed er some shit, and now I’m about to be meetin’ this little ham. Plus one of his little burger ass boys. But they best be respectable because I don’t play no games when it come to my home girls. I be on tip for real.
Tasha, Detroit, Michigan
All zees damn vite people, vruining zee ancient tradition of kama sutra. If Vatsyayana cood see zee current state of affairs he vood toss heemself from zee highest point of zee Himalayas. Zee kama is about leeving a good Hindu life. Eat ees not, I repeat not, a sex manu-al! Using kama sutra vee-thout leeving virtuously is to mees zee point, I assure you. Dee-ziya is not exclusively good theeng, as zee silly Americans be-leev. I vunce heard of a man eating nacho cheese off hees lover’s back vile in zee Elephant Posture. Zeez damn Americans vill ruin anything I tell you!
Ritvik, Mumbai, India
Before I say anything, I want to say that I wish to remain anonymous. It’s not at all like me to do this sort of thing, but I just couldn’t keep this to myself. I’m 29 years old and have never achieved orgasm. That is, until I tried the so-called Frog Fashion with this guy Aaron who I recently met. That’s the one where you sit facing your partner and the girl grabs her knees and sort of wedges her toes under the man’s butt and he grabs you by the shoulders with his legs on the outside of your body and just sort of pulls you towards him and, well, the best way I can describe it is cozy. Just really really cozy. Anyway, calling Aaron now for round two. Wonder what he’ll show me next.
Anonymous, Columbus, Ohio